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Last night I had another casual encounter. The funny thing about these situations is how much men like to be used during them. Anyhow, there I was, on top of him. I had ridden him for a bit and had enjoyed a few fairly standard clitoral/vaginal orgasms that way. I non-verbally checked in with him and could tell he was happy as a clam. Given the space he was in, I decided to slow down a bit and explore my pleasure in a different way. He had a nice cock with a good girth and a length that reached my cervix. I slowly rocked on him, massaging my cervix with the head of his cock.

I kept rocking gently and then, I suddenly felt my cervix release and open. My body felt split in two from uterus up, a column of white light rushed up and out, a bonfire of light whose sparks dissipated in the darkness of the room around us. Again, as I have at various other times,  I had the visceral sense that this world around me was an illusion. The god/dess at play. I could never be hurt, at least, not the part of me that is real.

The man grinned goofily up at me, oblivious to the depth of my altered state, proud that I had come yet again on his cock.

What is a sacred, ecstatic experience for me may appear as a casual hook-up with a stranger to others or a fun romp in the sack for him. Other people’s perceptions don’t really matter, only mine. Everyone and everything I encounter is just a reflection of the universe within me.

In the words of Oprah Winfrey (yeah, sometimes she gets stuff right), “Even in the most mature spiritual partnership, a mate is only there to give you back to yourself.”

That is what I have found. Yes, emotionally intimate sex with someone I love is great…and sex with strangers can also be great. In the end, it’s all the same. There’s only one of us here.

That’s easy to believe, you might say when the going is good and the experiences are pleasant…but can you say the same when the going is not so good?

Well, yes, I am afraid so. For times like those, I turn to Byron Katie.

“He should not have treated me that way/raped me/harassed me.”

  1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

Find the turnarounds.

“I should not have treated him that way/raped him/harassed him.”
I dehumanized him. I treated him as an object, as a means-to-an-end. I looked to him for emotional support, financial support without considering his needs. I contributed to his entrapment in a system where he was only valued for his ability do a job, to remain stoic and emotionless, to give up his dreams, his wildness, etc.

“I should not have treated myself that way/raped myself/harassed myself.”
I violated my own boundaries. Stretched myself beyond the means and resources I could give because I believed I was worthless or couldn’t do without him or needed the money. I traded my dreams, my time with my loved ones for a paycheck, financial security, a relationship, a man.

“He should have treated me that way/raped me/harassed me.”
Of course, he should have. If I thought that was the only way to get what I wanted, I would have done the same or similar. In fact, haven’t I done so already at some point in my life? How else would I have reached this point, where I could awaken to this level of consciousness?

Yes, the outer world is merely a reflection of the inner world. We can share our stories and be angry and out our predators/perpetrators but until we overcome the patriarchy within it will never go away. This will continue as an endless cycle of pain and suffering.

Consent culture and memes and hashtags will not do it. Fearless inner work might though…